Friday, October 15, 2010

Remembering Levi (in-utero!)

I have a couple days a year that are Levi's days, and today is one of them.
October 15th we had our ultrasound and learned that Levi had anencephaly. March 31st he was born, and April 16th he died.
Oh, and July 4th we found out we were pregnant with him, and so this picture has a special place in my heart -

It was taken that day, and as you can see... our hands were quite full! The news was overwhelming, but super exciting all at the same time. At the time, we had a newly three year old, one (almost two) year old, and a 9 month old!

Anywho, I just wanted to say to anyone who might stumble on this blog and has just had the day that I had 2 years ago, that you're at the worst right now. Weird, I know, but being pregnant and carrying this "news" was the hardest part. So much unknown, so many possible outcomes, and so soo much to worry about! The whole gig is tough, but I'm 2 years out and know that the pain I felt saying goodbye to Levi (which is what kept me up crying at night while I was prego) was very temporary or fleeting compared to the pain I remember feeling on Oct. 15th, and the duration of the pregnancy. It was chronic. It lasted 23 weeks to be exact. An intense, scared, deep sadness that was written all across my face. I couldn't be alone, because I never was - I was alone with Levi the baby I was going to have to say good-bye to soon, but I don't know when.

Me and Seth on Oct.18th - we had just found out:

Many people have felt that type of burden. Knowing your loved one is leaving, but you don't know when or how.
Everyone is leaving at some point, but when you know it's looming it is definitely a different type of grief and hardship. Someone said something to me that I really loved (sorry I don't remember who!) but they said that no amount of time is enough. I had far more time with Levi in my life than most people with anencephalic babies... and while I feel uber-grateful, it still isn't enough, because I loved him and am jealous for him. I want him with me. Not really too crazy a thought... just normal, right?
Well that's my story for now.
Me and Ziggy on my due date:

Top advice for grieving expectant mothers - get a big coat to wear in stores so you don't have to talk about the belly, and find a new awesome TV show to watch or funny book to read every night while you fall asleep. Thinking about it doesn't help. It doesn't - you'll do it anyway, and that will be plenty. Worrying about how it will play out won't do beans. And maybe take up knitting. Knit furiously a bunch of little hats for your peanut. It super therapeutic and you'll need those hats!
That's my advice, I wish I had taken it when I needed it!

Here we are freshly home from the hospital - the day we didn't think would ever happen!